Screw the Universe
Stephen Schwegler, Eirik Gumeny
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Space, the hopefully not copyrighted final frontier.
Out there is a universe teeming with new and strange life, with science and probably magic and wonderment. And out there, in that inky black void, is a spaceship whose crew honestly could not give a crap.
Welcome to the Zdravo. Home to a crew more concerned with getting ice cream than with saving the galaxy, under the command of a federation that grants promotions based on filthy acts performed behind only occasionally closed doors, and captained by a man whose only goal in life is to bone as many lifeforms as he can, a captain who truly wants to screw the universe.
dripping with honey, sat down at the kitchen table with her daughter. “Sweetie,” said Helen, “I have some bad news. Our harvest this year, it’s just... it’s just not going to be enough.” “Oh, no, you mean –” “Yes, I’m afraid that you won’t be able to attend the academy after all.” “But, mother, you –” “I know,” she said softly. “I know.” “What if I –” It was at this point that Miranda’s mother was mauled to death by an overlarge and uncommonly ferocious Venusian Honey Badger.
Private Darkpinkshirt on board...” “What? Then who updates my social media? What about Crimsonshirt? Is he here? What about Hank?!” “I don’t...” First Lieutenant Duknerts furrowed his brow. Then he said, “Computer! Get Second Lieutenant Rhinotestis up here. I think I’m going to need some help.” A moment later, Second Lieutenant Angelo Rhinotestis hovered into the room. “Holy balls!” exclaimed Tyler. “It’s a floating sack of gonads!” The voice of the second lieutenant – who was in
explain that.” “Oh, right. We – the old us, anyway – found a time machine and I went into the past.” “You don’t say. Where did you go?” “Vaginas mostly. All kinds of them. Ended up spending a lot of time in the twentieth century. Specifically, the nineteen-sixties.” “Go on.” “There was this music festival or something. It seemed more like a giant orgy to me. Lots of drugs and women… and dudes. Most were naked.” “I see.” “And the ones that were wearing clothes didn’t have any
finished saying, “Fuck you!” And now he was stuck like that for all eternity, perpetually cursing Captain Tyler across the entire universe. “Okay. Fine. So it’s not a bunny.” The computer would have nodded in agreement, but it didn’t have a head. It was a computer. “Say...” said Captain Tyler, “when was the last time we calibrated the weapons?” “Records indicate that the weapons were calibrated just last –” “Shouldn’t we calibrate them again?” “Calibration at this time is –”
survive, so she simply plopped her butt down and waited for her witless commanding officers to return. That is, until she heard Captain Tyler’s horrified little girly-scream from deep within the parts of the basement she couldn’t see. That’s when she decided she wanted ice cream. “Large cone please. Chocolate and vanilla swirl.” “Sure thing,” said the lunchlady-bot. Private Percival Q. Purplepants got in line behind Private Redshirt and said hello. “Hello.” “Hi,” replied